Awakening
by chy3
Summary: Sequel to Disrepair. Bella and Edward navigate the rocky road that is their life together. Can he endure her seeming inability to move on? Can she figure out how to love again without fear? What does the future hold? A story about a broken woman awakening to life, love, and possibilities.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey all! I apologize for taking so long to get this story up here on this site. Anyways, this is the sequel to my other fic, Disrepair. Please keep in mind that I do not have a set schedule for posting, and the time between postings will probably be a while because of school. So bear with me please. I hope you enjoy this more lighthearted adventure with Bella. -M.

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Chapter 1 - I Must Move On

**BPOV**

Sometimes, when I hold a knife I'll get a shiver. I'm remembering the ecstasy that would course through my veins. The urge to draw that line across my skin flares. I want that rush so badly. Want it so badly I can practically taste it.

Then I remember my family and Edward, and I'll stop myself. I tell myself that there are better ways to feel the rush. And I'll gently place the knife down as if it was a bomb that was ready to blow if I moved just a little bit too quickly. Putting the knife down is the easy part, it's the walking away from it that's truly hard.

…

"Bella!"

"Fucking what?!"

I had been trying to ignore her because I knew what she wanted, and I wasn't up for it. But she just kept saying my name over _and over_, using various pitches and such just to make it nearly impossible to ignore her.

"Why the hostility?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes. "You know why, Alice."

"Come on! Please!"

"No," I said sternly as I shook my head to drive the point home.

…

**AN HOUR LATER**

Well, fuck. I'd thought I'd said no to this. Damn Alice and her magical way of getting what she wants. And the worst part is that I didn't even know how she managed it.

We were barely through the doors before she was piling clothes into a shopping basket.

"You're not going to make me try all those on are you?"

She looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, yea. How else will you know if it fits and looks good?"

I sighed. Trying on clothes, especially clothes that were more Alice than me, was nowhere near my idea of a good time. But I was trying to bond here; I had to make an effort. For Alice.

In the end I hated to admit it, but I did have fun. Although, of course, I could have done without the clothes shopping altogether.

Once Alice finally took pity on me and checked out, we went to Westgate to get some food. It was the first time I'd been back since the day of the shootout, and I shuddered at the memory.

The bad that happened far out shadowed the good that shone on that day.

**EPOV**

My life bordered on perfect. I had a career I loved, a beautiful girlfriend I also loved, and a great outlook for the future. Only problem was that that was mostly a delusional fantasy. While I did love my girlfriend, Bella, our outlook on the future was rocky at best. It was hard to contend with her personality. Her nature. I knew she felt completely unworthy of the love I was offering her. I could see it in the way she would advert her eyes every time I said those three little words.

But not once did I think I wasn't up to the challenge. I would make her see one day that it was I who didn't deserve her loving.

Which was another thing, she had yet to say 'I love you' back. While it hurt, I could understand how she must feel. But her eyes told me more than her words ever could. It was in the way they sparkled when I walked into a room, after I told her I loved her, when I would move in to kiss her. So, as much as I would love to hear those words fall from her lips, I just knew she wasn't ready to speak them.

Someday I would make her my wife, and I was absolutely okay with waiting as long as it would take for her to be at that point with me.

Of course I hoped that that would happen sooner rather than later.

My relationship with Bella, well, it was certainly different than anything I'd ever experienced before. It was quite chaste. But I was unwilling to push her for more, when she wasn't ready. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably be the same way: Afraid to move on with another person. And I had no desire to replace the love she had for her late husband, Jacob. I wanted something unique with her, and something unique is what we have. It was frustrating at times, because I was a man, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

**BPOV**

"So, Bella," he began. "How is your relationship with Edward going?"

I sighed. This was not a new question. I'd been asked it just about every session. Yet I still couldn't find the words for it, and until I did, Jasper was going to repeatedly ask. He even swore on it. But today was different. I felt like I had_ something_ to say on the matter. Something I felt ready to say out loud.

I cleared my throat obnoxiously, trying in vain to remove the frog I'd acquired at the mention of the topic at hand. "I feel like I'm holding him back, Jasper."

"How do you mean?"

"I mean in every way possible. Especially his future."

"Why his future?"

I knew this would hurt the most to say, so I squinted my eyes shut and kept them shut. "Because I don't feel like I can love him the way he loves me. I'm afraid to."

"What's so scary about it?"

"Because I'm afraid to lose him like I lost Jake," I whispered. My eyes shot open wide at my admission. It was a surprise to myself.

Jasper scooted forward in his chair, grabbing my hand between both of his.

"Bella, what happened to Jake was his own doing. Not yours. You have to understand that. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his death. He was in too deep with the wrong people. You. Cannot. Blame. Yourself. Edward is a very smart, very cautious man. You know this. He would never do anything to endanger you, and I know you wouldn't either. Because you love him, just like you loved Jake, but in a different way. You deserve to love and be loved, Bella. Say it."

I grumbled unintelligently.

"Say it," he ordered.

"I deserve to love and be loved," I said weakly.

"No! Say it with feeling."

"I deserve to love and be loved."

"Louder! Mean it."

From the depths of my toes I yelled, "I deserve to love and be loved!"

Jasper smiled widely at me, giving my hand an encouraging squeeze. "Yes you do," he said.

…

With determination pushing me forward I moved with purpose across his front yard, up and onto his porch. I didn't knock. I didn't say a word. I just walked straight towards him, throwing him completely off guard. He sat on that couch stunned at what was probably a look he hadn't quite ever seen on me.

For once I didn't hesitate to move in. I captured his lips with mine, pouring every ounce of feeling into it that I could. His surprise was evident in his momentary hesitation. The moan that came deep from his throat spurred me on and drove my courage further allowing me to deepen the kiss.

For the life of me I couldn't understand why I'd held back for so fucking long. Jasper was right, Edward was completely different from Jake.

I pulled back suddenly, stunning Edward yet again. I had to say it. I just knew that I had to. Knew it deep in my bones. So deep that it actually ached to hold in.

"Edward," I whispered huskily, looking him in the eyes.

"Bella," he replied in kind.

"Edward, I love you."

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A/N: Like I told the ladies over on Twilighted, this is not how I expected the first chapter to go, but it just felt right so I'm running with it. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Viola! Chapter 2 is here! I gave you more of the therapy session with Jasper. Hope you like it.

I don't own Twilight.

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Chapter 2 - I Fake A Smile

_"Tell me what you felt for Jake," he said._

_"I don't know. I can't explain it…. When he walked into a room it was like I could breathe again. I always knew he was there. I craved his touch. Even if it was just a pinky, I needed it."_

_"Was this something that started as soon as you met him?"_

_"… No. It happened over time, I suppose."_

_"Hmm," he hummed._

_"What does that mean?"_

_"Nothing." We sat in silence for a minute. I was left wondering where he was going with this line of questioning. But he didn't hold me in suspense for long. "Tell me how you felt when Edward first started coming around after the shooting with James."_

_"Annoyance," I answered instantly._

_"Why did it annoy you."_

_"Because I didn't know him. I didn't want him or anybody else around."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Of course I'm sure."_

_"What happens when he comes around you now?"_

_I went to answer, but quickly stopped myself. Because what I would have said before was no longer true. I was trying to be honest with myself here. It was getting easier and easier. Especially with Jasper's guidance, the truth seemed to roll out of me without hindrance from my mind. That mental block I built up._

_The truth was, "I feel like the world stops trying to throw me off it. Like he's my grounding force."_

_Jasper simply smiled. "Do you see what I see, now?"_

_"Yes," I whispered in astonishment. A tear slipped from my eye at my revelation. "I love him."_

_"I know. And it's okay to love him. Jake would want that. Don't fight it. Promise me, Bella. Promise me that you'll accept these feelings. You deserve it."_

_"…. I promise."_

…

**BPOV**

Where did we go from here? I wasn't cured by any means, so that leaves us to beg the question of where to now? How could I show Edward that I was going to try? I'd finally told him that I love him, but could I ever see myself getting married again? Trying to have kids? I wasn't sure at all. I'd always think of Jake and our son first. Always compare my two lives. Was that fair to Edward? To me? And was that true? Would I always think of Jake and our son, or would I eventually forget?

"Bella," he sighed softly.

"Hmm?"

"What has you so in thought?"

"You. Everything."

"Tell me about it."

So I did. I expressed my fears to him. Asked him to tell me what he saw. What if I couldn't give it to him?

"As long as I have you, I don't care," he said. "Marriage, kids… Those are all bonuses. I want them if you want them, love. If you're never ready then so be it."

I looked to him in anguish. He deserved someone who could, who would, give him those things.

"I can tell what you're thinking, Bella. Stop it. You're who I want, and nothing will change that. Please understand."

"I'm trying, Edward."

"I know." He kissed me lightly on the lips. I pulled away, darting off the couch we were cuddled on to go make dinner. I had to break the feeling in the atmosphere. It was too heavy for me.

I dove right in to my task headlong. Before I knew it, dinner was in the oven and I had nothing to do. I went back to the living room, expecting to see Edward there working on his laptop or reading, but he wasn't there. I furrowed my brow, my heartbeat racing a little bit faster as I searched my two level condo for any sign of him.

As I went up the stairs I could hear sounds coming from one of the spare rooms. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I peeked inside to find Edward and Emmett in a heated game on the Xbox the guys had put in.

"When did you get here?" I asked rudely.

"Belly-Bean!" Emmett yelled, dropping the controller on the floor and bulldozing into me.

"Hey!" Edward complained.

I was encased in a huge bear hug by my humongous brother. My feet dangled off the ground. I just chuckled at him.

"Ah, I love hearing you laugh, little sister."

"I know, brother. Did you smell the food?"

He put me down, thankfully, and laughed heartedly. "No, my sixth sense kicked in." He winked.

"Whatever," I scoffed.

"Can we get back to this game?" Edward butted in. "I was enjoying kicking your ass."

"We'll let ya think that, Eddie."

Emmett put me down and ran back to his spot, and the boys went back to playing their game.

"Dinner will be done in twenty minutes. Should I be expecting anybody else to show up?"

"Rose and Alice are in the backyard," Edward said, not taking his eyes off the TV.

I nodded, prayed that I had made enough food for all the extra people.

Dinner was never a quiet affair when it was more than just Edward and me. Edward seemed to understand that words were not always needed in order to communicate, or even being in each others presence. But Emmett and Alice did not get that. Rose did somewhat, but when Em and Alice were around she was just as bad as them. I smiled at their antics on the outside, but on the inside I struggled. Still struggling, and I hated it. Hated it so much that I felt guilty for those feelings.

I think Edward could see through my smile. See the fakeness of it. The hand he had on his thigh crept past the gap between us, laying over my own hand. I felt relieved. Like he'd just took all my guilt and crushed it, or sucked it from my mind. He centered me. I suddenly felt as if I could breathe, and that my smile was genuine.

Could everybody else see it?

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A/N: What'd'ya think?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I don't own Twilight.

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Chapter 3 - I Don't Know

_"So now what are you going to do after you leave here?"_

_"I have to tell him, Jas. I can't lose him. I can't."_

_"Then go to him. Right now."_

…

**EPOV**

I'm a conflicted man.

So conflicted that I didn't have a clue as to what was up or down anymore. The world made sense, yet, it didn't. I couldn't fathom the position I found myself in. Things with Bella were, well, I didn't know what they were. Happy? Sad? Who fucking knew… that's how upside down it was.

She was struggling. I could see it - plain as day. She loved me, but she was warring with things inside her head. These things were the issue. I wish I could just wish it all away and we could move forward, but it wasn't that simple. I knew that. She was trying so hard to be who she thought I needed. But what she didn't understand was that she was already that before she started trying to change for me. She didn't need to.

She was doting on me in ways she'd never done before, talking extremely sweetly to me. It wasn't her, and I didn't know what to do about it. Bella was simply trying too hard.

…

"Hey, sweetie," she cooed as I walked in the door. I didn't get a chance to respond before her lips were on mine. Insistent. Persistent.

It didn't feel right.

I placed my hands on her hips and pushed her away.

"Stop, Bella."

She deflated right before me, but quickly turned away and walked to the kitchen. "I made you dinner," she said as if nothing was wrong. I followed her there, stopping short when I didn't see what I expected.

The entire kitchen was transformed to an unrecognizable state. It was not my kitchen as I knew it to be. Candles lined almost every available surface, my small table was set for two, with the servings already set.

"Sit down," she said. I could do nothing but dumbly do as she told me. I plopped unceremoniously into a chair. Bella sat gracefully in front of me, and that's when I noticed her attire. I'd never seen her wear a dress before. I had to admit the sight before me was breathtaking. The red dress that hugged her curves, flowing off her body in the most tantalizing and sinful ways. As she sat my eyes traveled quickly over her entire body, head to toe.

Bare feet.

"Eat."

I was at her mercy, completely dumbfounded. I felt like a tornado had swept through my house - I didn't know which way was up or down. Before long we'd eaten our meal, and she was up and on the move. The plate before me disappeared as did she. My shoulders drooped, the tension released now that she wasn't in the room. I took a sip of the wine she had poured, feeling the tingle in my mouth and savoring it.

I spit it out when I suddenly felt pressure on my shoulders and hot, wet kisses traveling along my neck. I moaned at the sensation, because it felt beyond good. It'd been too long.

But it was so wrong.

"Bella," I warned.

"Shh."

"Bel-" was all I got out before her mouth covered my own. Her tongue tickled my somewhat resistant lips, hardly asking for permission.

Her hands were _everywhere_. Shit, I just wanted her to keep going.

But it was so wrong.

I couldn't stop myself. My control snapped and I pushed back, just as insistent as her in my kiss. My body became unparalyzed, my hands shooting to her comb in her hair at the nape of her neck. She moaned at my touch, the vibrations shooting south.

I had to feel her body against mine. I stood from my seat, my body moving flush with hers. It felt so_ good_. But it wasn't close enough. My hands wandered everywhere they could reach. Grasping fabric instead of flesh. It offended me.

Bella must have felt the same because just as I thought about how I might take off the damn dress she wore she busted my button up open in one motion. I growled in response and picked her up by her ass, practically throwing her up against the wall nearest us. Her lean legs wrapped around my waist, hips bucking when she made contact with my arousal. My hands gripped her thighs, feeling the muscles twitch beneath my fingers. Slowly they traveled up, under her dress.

_No panties. Shit._

I moved my mouth from hers, gasping for air, and licked, sucked and nipped at her neck.

"Edward," she sighed in pleasure.

_Shit_, I thought._ This isn't right. Stop this before it gets too far._

I started to pull away, but she pulled me right back.

"No," she protested. "Don't stop."

"Bella," I said. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"Why?"

"We're not ready."

She huffed.

"Bella, why are you trying so hard? This isn't you."

"Sure it is."

"No. It's not. I know you." I pulled her away from the wall and sat her on the dining table. "You don't have to do this. It's not what I need. I just need you to be you."

A single tear slipped down her cheek. No more. That and the silence killed me. "Say something."

"I-I'm sorry, Edward."

"For what?"

After a long pause she finally responded, "I don't know how to behave anymore…"

"You don't have to change a thing, okay. I have no expectations. Never have. I love you for you."

"Kay," she said whisper soft.

"I'm in no rush, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."

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A/N: Tricked ya! You thought there was going to be a lemon, huh? At this moment I don't have much of the next chapter written, so I have no idea how long until I post again. Have a great Thanksgiving. -M.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** It isn't often that I post here before I do at Twilighted, but while I'm waiting for a chapter for another story I'm writing to get approved for posting I'll post the next chapter for this story here. I couldn't wait any longer to get out there, so here it is! I hope you enjoy!

**Tima83** betas this story. I don't own _Twilight_, but I do own this plot.

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Chapter 4 - I Want You

**BPOV**

My feet beat heavy against the black top, the scrape of Chelsea's nails echoing beside me. We ran at a furious pace fueled my tension, despair and confusion long before dawn even broke the horizon.

I wondered how I could ever be what he needed. When would it happen? Would it just snap into place? I felt inadequate. Utterly and completely not cut for the job. I wanted to be. So, so bad. He said I didn't have to do anything more, that me just being me was enough. How could that be true? I didn't even feel like I was enough for myself. And who was I?

When would things come crashing down on me? Surely they would eventually. I wished it would never happen; I didn't know how I would survive it otherwise. But that outcome seemed inevitable.

I couldn't dwell on that anymore though. I'd made too much progress with Jasper to do that to myself. So, I ignored that part of my brain and attempted to moved on - to steel myself for the pain I would feel.

I'd been feeling urges I hadn't felt in years. It's like once I'd opened my mouth and admitted my love for Edward aloud the flood gates just burst open with it. I was wanting things. Feeling sensations I'd lost touch with. When I sat down and analyzed it I realized…

I really fucking wanted to have sex.

That man… that damn man made me ache. I kept pushing for more, just wanting some fucking relief, but he denied me every time.

"No, love, not yet," he'd say. I'd get so frustrated that I'd tell him to leave. And he would - with slumped shoulders, yet still with a smirk on his lips. We weren't progressing beyond heated kisses, and that bothered me.

Did he not want me that way?

…

After my morning run I hurried to get ready for work, still utterly fucking frustrated. The drive to the office did nothing but serve to make my frustration evolve into anger. My tendency for road rage flared, and at one point I nearly jumped out of my car to beat the shit out of another driver. I restrained myself - barely. I settled for leaning out the window, screaming cuss words at them and flipping them off.

Needless to say I walked into the office in a bad fucking mood. As soon as I got there though I was getting multiple calls from officers requesting permissions to search, and informing me of parole violations from six parolees. My day was off to a bad start, and I was a ticking time bomb with a very low tolerance for bullshit. I had to suffer through traffic the rest of the day, going from one parolee to another. All six were sent to jail where they would be booked and then forced to wait for their parole hearings, which meant a lot of paper work for me.

I growled when my phone rang yet again, answering with a huffed, "Isabella Swan… I'll be there right away."

**EPOV**

Where was she? I was freaking out, pacing her living room nervously. My hands pulled incessantly on my hair. When they weren't doing that they were checking my phone for any new messages or missed calls. There were none, and I was worried. It was well past sundown, and I had a bad feeling.

The TV was on, programmed to the local news station. Live feed was broadcasting from a hostage in progress downtown. I couldn't help but wonder, and worry, if Bella was there. The perpetrator had a cop holed up with him in a house.

The cop was unidentified. Could it be Bella? Was that why she wasn't home - hadn't called?

"This just in…" came from the television, freezing me in place. "The officer being held captive is the suspect's parole officer, Isabella Swan. No word yet on the suspect's identity. More as this unfolds."

I couldn't breathe! I gasped desperately for air that would not come, clawing at my neck, but before long my vision blurred and I collapsed onto the floor when the next thing I heard coming from the TV were the words, "Shots fired!"

…

I sat up from the floor, groggy and sore. I looked around and it seemed I was alone, but the feeling was off. Something was different, I didn't know what it was, though. I got off the floor and went to the kitchen, but saw something I totally didn't expect.

Upon a step stool stood a little girl with curly brown locks hanging down her back. She strained to pour a box of cereal, and moved to attempt to pour the milk.

Suddenly a chuckle erupted from behind me, and I turned to investigate. My breath caught at the sight of Bella with so much love in her eyes as she took in the sight I had just been looking at.

She said to the little girl, "Baby, let me help you."

I turned back to the girl right as she turned around, and what I saw absolutely floored me. She had my eyes, Bella's smile, and her laugh… It could make angels weep.

Bella walked over to her and picked her up to place her on the counter. She grabbed her hands and said in a way only a mother could, "You know better than to try to pour the milk, baby girl."

The girl's head hung in shame. She whispered so softly, "I know, mommy."

Bella kissed her on the cheek and then lifted her from the counter. As soon as the girl's feet hit the ground she was running, and as I followed her path behind me suddenly everything was black, and the sound of her foot falls turned to an annoying thumping sound.

And then it felt as if my soul had been ripped from my body. I felt cold.

The thumping sound continued, more insistent. What was that?

…

"Dude, wake up!"

I sat up straight suddenly, soaking wet and quickly freezing.

"Why am I wet?" I asked.

"You're not wet, you're bleeding. We need to get you to the hospital," Rosalie said.

I touched my head instinctively and pulled my hand away covered in blood.

"It's fine. I just need a towel. Put some pressure on it."

"I don't think so, doc," Emmett rebutted.

Deciding to change tactics I asked, "Where's Bella?"

The grim looks on their faces reminded me how cold I was. I shook with the fear I felt down to my bones. The warm feeling coming from my head became cold too.

"We don't know," Rose said simply. "But we need to go down to the station. Charlie is waiting for us."  
…

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A/N: Oh, shit! A cliffie!


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